Trying to deal

It has been 3 days since I found out my Father has died. I am not sure that I am dealing with it very well.


Part of the problem I think is that my parents live in another country. Since I have only talked with my Mother on the phone, and the last few months I had only talked to my Mother because my dad was not able to get to the phone, I guess it doesn't really feel real. I know he isn't there with her, in a physical sense, but I still find myself thinking of him being there.

Now in a spiritual sense I am sure he is with her. They loved each other so much, that I am sure his spirit will be around her for as long as she needs. And when ever I think of him being there with her I remind myself that he is, just in a different way.

Since learning about his passing I have gone through a few stages. First I cried, then I talked to family members. Then I couldn't stop thinking of how my mom must be feeling and how I could not go to see her. So that night I got very little sleep.

The next day like a genius, I figured going to work would be a good idea. My husband was looking into me getting my passport, my best friend was looking into me getting a plane ticket.  There was nothing to do. So off to work I went to keep busy. Big mistake. Random things would make me cry, and my boss wanted to let me go home, but it was the day we got inspected. So I had to stay for a few hours. In the end this worked out because I only wound up loosing 4 hours on my paycheck.

Now I found out what I need to do to get my passport quickly. Monday I will be going to work. I think I can handle that this time. Tuesday I will be going to Miami to get my passport and Wednesday, if all goes well, I will be on a plane to Germany. I am hoping that I make it before my fathers funeral, but I am not sure because they haven't picked a day yet.

I tried finding my sister on line. I know this sounds horrible, but I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. She had no love loss for my Father. She considered him a sperm downer and not a Father. Regardless I feel she has a right to know. So I have spent time trying to find her. I can not seem to find her. I have possible found her Mother and her other half sister on Facebook of all places. I have left both messages and am waiting to hear from them.

With nothing else left to do I find myself constantly checking my computer, and crawling into bed. I don't have the energy to try and be pleasant to people on the phone right now. I don't really feel like talking. I don't mind listening, I just don't want to talk. So I crawl into bed and I sleep.

My husband is being really good about giving me what I need. He holds me, he leaves me alone, he takes me out of the house for a little while, he reminds me to eat. It isn't that I don't want to eat, I just seem to forget that I am supposed to. My husband is definitely my rock right now.

There are the 5 stages of grief. Couldn't tell you what they are because it also seems that I have lost any real brain power that I might have had since it has happened as well. I do remember some as anger bargaining acceptance, but I don't think I have gone through any of these yet. I know I haven't gotten angry and I know that I haven't bargained. I feel like I have accepted it on some level but not really. Maybe once I get to Germany it will be more real.

For now though it helps to write things down. I feel I can express my emotions better that way and it helps me to deal with them more. And I could care less if anyone is reading this or not. For me it is therapeutic just to get it out there.