It has been 3 days since I found out my Father has died. I am not sure that I am dealing with it very well.
Part of the problem I think is that my parents live in another country. Since I have only talked with my Mother on the phone, and the last few months I had only talked to my Mother because my dad was not able to get to the phone, I guess it doesn't really feel real. I know he isn't there with her, in a physical sense, but I still find myself thinking of him being there.
Now in a spiritual sense I am sure he is with her. They loved each other so much, that I am sure his spirit will be around her for as long as she needs. And when ever I think of him being there with her I remind myself that he is, just in a different way.
Since learning about his passing I have gone through a few stages. First I cried, then I talked to family members. Then I couldn't stop thinking of how my mom must be feeling and how I could not go to see her. So that night I got very little sleep.
The next day like a genius, I figured going to work would be a good idea. My husband was looking into me getting my passport, my best friend was looking into me getting a plane ticket. There was nothing to do. So off to work I went to keep busy. Big mistake. Random things would make me cry, and my boss wanted to let me go home, but it was the day we got inspected. So I had to stay for a few hours. In the end this worked out because I only wound up loosing 4 hours on my paycheck.
Now I found out what I need to do to get my passport quickly. Monday I will be going to work. I think I can handle that this time. Tuesday I will be going to Miami to get my passport and Wednesday, if all goes well, I will be on a plane to Germany. I am hoping that I make it before my fathers funeral, but I am not sure because they haven't picked a day yet.
I tried finding my sister on line. I know this sounds horrible, but I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. She had no love loss for my Father. She considered him a sperm downer and not a Father. Regardless I feel she has a right to know. So I have spent time trying to find her. I can not seem to find her. I have possible found her Mother and her other half sister on Facebook of all places. I have left both messages and am waiting to hear from them.
With nothing else left to do I find myself constantly checking my computer, and crawling into bed. I don't have the energy to try and be pleasant to people on the phone right now. I don't really feel like talking. I don't mind listening, I just don't want to talk. So I crawl into bed and I sleep.
My husband is being really good about giving me what I need. He holds me, he leaves me alone, he takes me out of the house for a little while, he reminds me to eat. It isn't that I don't want to eat, I just seem to forget that I am supposed to. My husband is definitely my rock right now.
There are the 5 stages of grief. Couldn't tell you what they are because it also seems that I have lost any real brain power that I might have had since it has happened as well. I do remember some as anger bargaining acceptance, but I don't think I have gone through any of these yet. I know I haven't gotten angry and I know that I haven't bargained. I feel like I have accepted it on some level but not really. Maybe once I get to Germany it will be more real.
For now though it helps to write things down. I feel I can express my emotions better that way and it helps me to deal with them more. And I could care less if anyone is reading this or not. For me it is therapeutic just to get it out there.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
My Father
I knew that it was coming. This still ripped a hole in my chest. My Father past away yesterday.
He had been sick with Altzheimer for a few years now. The last few months he was not doing well at all. We knew he did not have a lot of time. So why do I feel so stunned?
I miss my father. He was by no means the best father in the world, or the greatest man alive. However he was a genuinely good person who tried his best.
As a husband and a father he made every special day especially special. Unlike most men he never forgot a Birthday, or an Anniversary. I remember he would pick roses from our garden make breakfast for my mother and get her morning news paper ready for her. If it was a birthday or anniversary or anything like that he would have a card and a gift waiting for her. He did his very best to take care of her every need.
He was the kind of Dad that would help you out any way he could. I remember talking to him on the phone one time about what ever it was. We lived about two towns away from each other. My son was a few months old. I mad a comment about needing to buy milk when my husband got paid because we where out. About 30 minutes later there he was with a gallon of milk. It was such an off handed remark that I almost forgot I made it. When we moved to another country and I started school he would send money when ever he could.
I also remember he would help anyone if he could. He opened our home to a friend of his who needed a place to stay. He didn't put a time limit on it or make demands of the man. He simply let him sleep on our couch. And he endured my Mothers wrath for it I am sure.
He married my Mother when she had four teenage boys. He instantly thought of them as his sons and he would do anything for them. Never once differentiating them as my mothers children. They where as much his as they were hers at least in his eyes.
So yes the man had his faults but he made me the person I am today. And if I am half as good and consideret a person as he was then I am really lucky.
For me right now the worst part is that I do not have the money to go see my Mother and be with her right now. I know handling the arrangements is not going to be easy for her. I have a friend, my best friend actually, who might be able to lend me the money. Then the problem becomes the fact that I let my passport expire. Getting one quickly is not impossible it is just very expensive. My husband is going to look into that for me.
I know that it is very unlikely that everything is going to work out for me but I am at the moment clinging on to the hope that I can go to my mother. This is my wish, I want to be there for my mother and I want to be at my fathers funeral.
He had been sick with Altzheimer for a few years now. The last few months he was not doing well at all. We knew he did not have a lot of time. So why do I feel so stunned?
I miss my father. He was by no means the best father in the world, or the greatest man alive. However he was a genuinely good person who tried his best.
As a husband and a father he made every special day especially special. Unlike most men he never forgot a Birthday, or an Anniversary. I remember he would pick roses from our garden make breakfast for my mother and get her morning news paper ready for her. If it was a birthday or anniversary or anything like that he would have a card and a gift waiting for her. He did his very best to take care of her every need.
He was the kind of Dad that would help you out any way he could. I remember talking to him on the phone one time about what ever it was. We lived about two towns away from each other. My son was a few months old. I mad a comment about needing to buy milk when my husband got paid because we where out. About 30 minutes later there he was with a gallon of milk. It was such an off handed remark that I almost forgot I made it. When we moved to another country and I started school he would send money when ever he could.
I also remember he would help anyone if he could. He opened our home to a friend of his who needed a place to stay. He didn't put a time limit on it or make demands of the man. He simply let him sleep on our couch. And he endured my Mothers wrath for it I am sure.
He married my Mother when she had four teenage boys. He instantly thought of them as his sons and he would do anything for them. Never once differentiating them as my mothers children. They where as much his as they were hers at least in his eyes.
So yes the man had his faults but he made me the person I am today. And if I am half as good and consideret a person as he was then I am really lucky.
For me right now the worst part is that I do not have the money to go see my Mother and be with her right now. I know handling the arrangements is not going to be easy for her. I have a friend, my best friend actually, who might be able to lend me the money. Then the problem becomes the fact that I let my passport expire. Getting one quickly is not impossible it is just very expensive. My husband is going to look into that for me.
I know that it is very unlikely that everything is going to work out for me but I am at the moment clinging on to the hope that I can go to my mother. This is my wish, I want to be there for my mother and I want to be at my fathers funeral.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)